If you hate where you live but your spouse loves it, this is such a difficult dilemma to resolve. So with this in mind, I’m going to go through some practical solutions to help you to overcome the challenges you face.
So what do you do if you hate where you live but your spouse loves it? When one spouse wants to move and the other doesn’t you need to work through the pros vs the cons for each of you of moving vs not moving. Ideally you should each prepare these pros and cons lists independently of each other. Then compare your lists to work out the best compromise that works for the both of you.
Open communication is key to any relationship, which is no different in this scenario. Telling your husband or wife exactly how you feel is the first step in the right direction.
The best way to tell your partner you want to move is to wait for a time when they are relaxed and not stressed. It’s important they have an open mind for the conversation you are about to have. Before you begin make sure they are not distracted. It’s important they have your undivided attention.
Be thoughtful about your spouse’s feelings. As you talk about how much you hate where you live, explain how you want to listen to their thoughts and feelings too about whether they’d be prepared to move to make you happy.
If your wife or husband doesn’t know you’re unhappy they can’t do anything about it.
What are the top reasons why people hate where they live and want to move?
There are many reasons why people want to move. But to hate where you live are emotive words.
So what are the top reasons why people hate where they live and want to move?
Too far away from family of friends: Wanting to move to be closer to friends and family is one of the top reasons why people are unhappy. This is especially true if you’ve moved away from your friends or family. This might have been because you moved-in with your spouse or if you both moved to a new area or country. These feelings can get stronger when children come onto the scene. Often times mothers want to be close to their own mother for support in the early days of having a new baby.
House is too small: A house that’s too small will often cause problems. But this is more usual for both partners living in the house to want to move.
Don’t like the area or location: Different areas and locations suite different people. If you’re used to living in a town, you may not like the countryside. Or visa versa. If you’re used to being near to the shops, but now live where it involves a long drive to the nearest shop, this may not be what you enjoy.
The commute is too far: Not everyone likes to commute, but some accept this as a part of life. However, if the commute takes too long this can takes its toll.
You or your spouse hate their job: Only around 20% of people are happy with their job. Which means that 80% are unhappy in what they are doing. It maybe that the ‘hate’ for your job is transferring to a hate for where you live. Make sure of your reasons for hating where you live.
Terrible neighbours: Horrible neighbours can make it uncomfortable to live in a house sometimes. This could be due to a falling out or because of how the neighbours behave. But either way this can make you hate where you live. But this may affect one person more than the other.
Living in an ex-partner’s or ex-spouse’s home: Never underestimate what it’s like for the other person to live in your ex-spouse or ex-partner’s home.
How do you discuss and resolve the problem if you hate where you live but your spouse loves it?
Marriage or partnership is about compromise. There should hopefully be a middle ground so you can both be happy. As already mentioned above, the best way to approach this is to both create a list of pros and cons of where you currently live. But also, you should create a list of pros and cons of moving too.
This may be difficult for the person who hates where they live to list the pros of living where they are. But it’s important you do this to flush out the full picture. There should always be some advantages to where you currently live, otherwise you probably wouldn’t have moved there in the first place. Unless you moved there under duress.
These lists should be done separately and independently of each other. This way you will think of different pros vs cons from each other.
Once you’ve done this exercise you should compare your lists. Hopefully there will be the same or similar pros and cons on both your lists. You can cross these off to start with as these are the things you agree upon. You then need to focus on the pros and cons that are not common to both your lists.
I suggest you begin with the pros lists of moving or staying. This way you begin the discussion on a positive note. You never know this may help the spouse who hates where they live to rethink their position. But it will also help the spouse who loves where they live to think positively about the pros of moving too.
Now consider the disadvantages of either staying or moving
Now that you’re both in a positive mood about the pros of either staying or moving, run through the cons of each too. What you should be focusing on is to discuss each disadvantage and how you could overcome each one.
It’s also a good idea to list the cons in order of importance to each of you. Make note of any deal breakers in either list. But even with the deal-breakers, make sure to discuss how these disadvantages could be overcome.
By the end of this part of the discussion you have focused on the positives and on how to overcome the negatives. This should create a useful platform to think about what you both want to do next.
How to be happy if the compromise is to stay where you’re living
There are two possible outcomes of the above discussions. The first is you both decide to remain where you are living. But in order to achieve this result, the spouse or partner who hates where they live may have needed to compromise significantly.
The spouse who has chosen to live in a house or location they hate needs to be supported. For every compromise one way deserves a compromise in return.
As part of the review of the pros vs the cons of living where you are you should have come up with solutions to each of the cons. Make sure you make these adjustments or changes to how you live. This will help the spouse or partner who had to compromise to begin to love where they live too.
For example, this might be to agree to build an extension to create more space if the reason for hating where they live is down to the house being too small.
Or if it’s because the commute is too far, but in order to reduce the commuting-time means taking a pay-cut. In this case it may require the other spouse or partner to agree to support this change by earning more to compensate.
How to be happy if the compromise is to move from where you’re living
The second compromise is you agree to move. This may require more of a compromise for the spouse or partner who loves where they currently live.
In this situation the spouse or partner who has agreed to move needs to be supported throughout this process.
Neither side should feel like it’s a compromise too far
Marriage or living together is always about compromise. But neither spouse or partner should feel like it’s a compromise too far. Both partners must feel like there has been a bit of give and take on both sides.
Resentment can destroy a relationship, so make sure whatever the outcome this is not what ends up happening.
Never underestimate a big house move
You should never underestimate the stress that moving house can cause. The stress caused can have a far bigger impact on some than it is for others.
You might like to take a read of this article where I explain how to deal with the stress of selling your house. Or better still, if you suffer from anxiety or panic attacks, you might like to download this free audio or invest in this best selling Panic Away Program. Take a quick look here for more information.
Either your spouse or you may be afraid of change. If either of you are afraid, it’s important to understand this fear and to work with your spouse or partner to make sure they know you are supporting them.
What needs to be discussed when considering a move to somewhere new
Do you hate where you live or is it your job you hate? Be careful to identify the route cause of your unhappiness. It maybe that you actually hate your job and not where you live. Consider changing your job before you go through the disruption of moving.
Job opportunities where you intend to move: Before making the move make sure to consider the job situation in the new location. However, if the move is within the same general location this won’t be a problem.
House prices: Make sure to review the house prices of where you would like to move to vs where you currently live.
Are you self employed or do you own your own business? Moving to another location too far from where you currently live will be impacted if one spouse is self employed or has a business. Depending on the type of business, it’s not always as easy to up-sticks and move a business from one location to another like it is to change jobs. However, if the move is within the same general location this won’t be a problem.
Make sure it’s not about the grass being greener: It’s always worthwhile sitting back to think about what you currently have. Which is why I recommend the pros and cons approach explained above. Make sure you are not fooled by the grass is greener on the other side mistake.
Who is the breadwinner? When you consider moving, think about which one of you is the main breadwinner. Especially if you need a certain amount of income to live. It might be that the ‘non-breadwinner’ may need to compromise a bit more to take account of the other’s ability to earn more money, if of course this is what’s important to you both.
Final thoughts if you hate where you live but your spouse or partner loves it
You both need to understand that life is too short to be unhappy. So you therefore need to come up with a solution that will enable you to both be happy.
This may even mean having to change your perspective of where you live in order to love it instead of hating it. One way is to rethink how you treat where you live. For example you could treat it like a holiday destination. When you go on holiday you make time to do fun things and seek out new places. You could try this approach where you live and discover new and exciting places and things to do.
The above approach and discussions about hating where you live is on the assumption your marriage or relationship is good and strong. However, if this isn’t the case you may want to think about marriage guidance first.
Alternatively, if you’re looking to mend your marriage or relationship, you’ll probably benefit from take a look at this top selling method to mend your marriage. It doesn’t matter whether you are male or female as they have tailored what they teach for men and women alike. Watch this first class video here.
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Conclusion to I hate where live but my spouse loves it
In conclusion you need to make sure you don’t swap one persons unhappiness for the other persons unhappiness. Try to agree on the new place to live that is of benefit to you both or on how to create a happy place if you stay where you are.
Please don’t forget to read this before you leave…
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Article written by Russell Bowyer who has been investing in property since purchasing his first commercial property in the 1990's for his own Chartered Accountancy business. But his first property investment project was to turn an old dilapidated restaurant into a large 5-bed home, which he purchased for £117,500 and sold for £450,000 (to see an "after" photo of the house before it was sold see here: About). Russell owns a number of investment properties, which includes houses, flats and HMO's. More recently he has turned his creative side to investing in property using lease options. His largest lease option deal to date was to acquire 12 properties worth over £2 million for just £12, which means he paid just £1 to acquire each property!
